Depression

تو این خونه دیگه هرچی که موقتیه، هرچی که قراره بره، مثل چمدون من، میره تو اتاق سوم، اتاق بابا. چیزی تو اون اتاق نمونده، کامپیوتر رو هم به زودی برمیداره‌‌ میبره و اون اتاق خالی میشه، فقط تخت، میز، کمد و کتابخونه‌ای پر از کتابای قدیمیِ بی‌مصرف میمونن توش.
فکر می‌کنم همه چیز به همه‌ی سکوت‌ها برمیگرده. سکوتی که توش بابا رفت چند خونه اونطرف‌تر، سکوتی که توش بیست و اندی سال بزرگ شدم و نفس کشیدم. سکوتی که آخر ممکنه مارو بکشه. همه‌ی دعواهای امشب رو کردم چون حنجره‌م جای هیچ سکوتی نداشت، میخواست با خس‌خس از کار بیفته.
سکوت یعنی رژه‌ی بی‌صدای اشاره‌ها به خیلی قصه‌ها، به قصه‌های کوتاه، به قصه‌های تک‌جمله‌ای. سکوت لباس همه‌ی حرف‌هاییه که نزدیم و نمیزنیم.
سال‌هاست چیزی شبیه دپرشن رو باخودم، توی کوله‌ام، همه‌جا حمل می‌کنم، لعنتی اولین چیزی که‌ نذاشت یاد بگیرم "دوست داشتن" بود. حالا دپرشن کوله نمیخواد، فضای پشت پوست بدنم رو پر کرده، همیشه هست. همه‌ی شب‌ها تا صبح با من بیدار میمونه، تنهام نمیذاره.
این اسلم‌پوئتری رو یه سال و نیمه گوش میدم، هربار که میبینم هیچی بهتر نشده.

Explaining My Depression to My Mother: A Conversation
Mom, my depression is a shape shifter.
One day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear,
The next, it’s the bear.
On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone.
I call the bad days: “the Dark Days.”
Mom says, “Try lighting candles.”
When I see a candle, I see the flesh of a church, the flicker of a flame,
Sparks of a memory younger than noon.
I am standing beside her open casket.
It is the moment I learn every person I ever come to know will someday die.
Besides Mom, I’m not afraid of the dark.
Perhaps, that’s part of the problem.
Mom says, “I thought the problem was that you can’t get out of bed.”
I can’t.
Anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, inside of my head.
Mom says, “Where did anxiety come from?”
Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out-of-town depression felt obligated to bring to the party.
Mom, I am the party.
Only I am a party I don’t want to be at.
Mom says, “Why don’t you try going to actual parties, see your friends?”
Sure, I make plans. I make plans but I don’t want to go.
I make plans because I know I should want to go. I know sometimes I would have wanted to go.
It’s just not that fun having fun when you don’t want to have fun, Mom.
You see, Mom, each night insomnia sweeps me up in his arms dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light.
Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company.
Mom says, “Try counting sheep.”
But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake;
So I go for walks; but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists.
They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells reminding me I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness I cannot baptize myself in.
Mom says, “Happy is a decision.”
But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg.
My happy is a high fever that will break.
Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat-out asks me if I am afraid of dying.
No.
I am afraid of living.
Mom, I am lonely.
I think I learned that when Dad left how to turn the anger into lonely —
The lonely into busy;
So when I tell you, “I’ve been super busy lately,” I mean I’ve been falling asleep watching Sports Center on the couch
To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed.
But my depression always drags me back to my bed
Until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city,
My mouth a bone yard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves.
The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with echoes of a heartbeat,
But I am a careless tourist here.
I will never truly know everywhere I have been.